"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry β all forms of fear β are caused by too much future, and not enough presence." β Eckhart Tolle
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I read that quote for the first time years ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it since π
Not only does it help me in every aspect of my life, but I see it every single week with the kids I work with!
One of my students has been grinding through finals prep lately. The pressure was building and the spiral was starting π
Before it took over, she stopped herself and asked one question:
"What can I actually control right now?"
And it worked! I was so proud.
It brought her back to right now.. and right now is always more manageable than the version of the future her brain was creating at moments before our call π
If I could teach every teen one thing, it wouldn't be a study strategy or a time management hack π
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It would be this: learn to come back to the present moment.
Everything else gets easier from there. In fact, everything exists there.
Forever is composed of a bunch of nows.
Here are 4 tools to help your kid be present, stop spiraling, and live with more joy and peace π
#1 Ask "Where is your brain right now?"
Most stressed teens are using one of their greatest assets β their mind β on one of the least productive activities there is: worrying about things that haven't happened yet.. π
They're physically sitting at their desk.. but mentally they're three weeks ahead, failing an exam that hasn't happened yet.
One of the simplest things you can do as a parent is help them notice that. Try asking something like this the next time they're stressed:
"Where's your brain right now? Past, present or future?"
So simple and so important!
That question creates a gap between the spiral and the reaction. And in that gap.. they get to choose.
Parents - the goal is to to help them catch the spiral, not necessarily fix it. That awareness is where the magic begins β¨
#2 Create a "come back" phrase
One of our favorite tools my team and I use with students is what I call a come back phrase.
It's a short, personal sentence they say to themselves when they feel the spiral starting. (This might be helpful for you too! β€οΈ)
Some of our students use:
- "Be here now."
- "Now is what I have."
- "I'm where my feet are."
- "I'm here and only here.
- "I do my best here and now."
As someone who's a tad anxious writing this, even typing those out makes me feel soo much better. If you're overwhelmed, read those silently to yourself again βΊοΈ
Help your teen find theirs! Sit down together and ask:
"If you could remind yourself of one thing when you start to feel overwhelmed, what would it be?"
Let them create it. When it comes from them, it sticks π
#3 Replace "what if" with "what now"
"What if" is the language of anxiety.
- What if I fail?
- What if I get sick?
- What if they don't like me?
- What if I'm not good enough?
Teach your teen to swap it:
"What if" π "What now?"
What now is present tense. It's actionable. It asks the brain to look at what's actually in front of them instead of a future they can't control.
Over time this rewires how they respond to stress.
Not overnight.. but it gradually compounds.
BONUS TIP: Another awesome tool we coach is to replace the negative what if questions with a few positive ones! It can help your kid remind themselves that the worst case scenario isn't the only case scenario.
For example - follow "What if they don't like me?" with "What if they love me and they become my best friends?"
It works wonders for teens!
If you think it'd be helpful to learn this stuff from someone OTHER than you, we've mentored 1200+ students in our 1:1 coaching program! Not only does it work, but we get kids bought-in to getting support 94% of the time π You can click here to apply for 1:1 coaching!β
#4 Let them see you come back
I saved this one for last because I think it's the most powerful thing on this list. More than any tool or script..
Your kid needs to see YOU struggle with this too and come back anyway.
Let them watch you catch yourself being too far in the past or the future and let them hear you say:
"I just realized I was spiraling about something that hasn't happened yet. I'm coming back to right now."
That moment does more than 10 lectures ever could.
Real talk...
Before I let you go.. I want to be honest about something π¬
Everything I just shared with you? I see parents struggling with it just as much as their kids - if not more.
- The spiraling.
- The future-thinking.
- The lying awake running worst-case scenarios about a future that hasn't happened yet.
You're not exempt from this and I'm not either!!
Your kid is learning how to handle uncertainty by watching you handle it. Every time you spiral out loud, every time your anxiety fills the room when grades come up.. they're taking notes.
So this week, the challenge isn't just for them. It's for you. π
Eckhart Tolle wrote something that I come back to when I'm mindful and at my best.
"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it."
What would that look like in your life as a parent?
What if you accepted your kid's disappointing grade as if you had chosen it? The slammed door. The silent car ride home. The plan that fell apart.
Acceptance doesn't mean approval. It means you stop burning energy fighting what already is.. and start acting from a place of peace instead of resistance.
That shift changes everything about how you show up.
Spend a few minutes this week journaling on these π
- When do I feel least present as a parent?
- What future worry is stealing the most energy from me right now?
- What am I resisting about where my teen is today?
- What would acceptance actually look like in my parenting journey right now?
Come back to the now. Your kid needs you here! π
Love y'all,
-Coach Will π
P.S. Whenever you're ready, there are 3 ways I can help you and your fam!
#1: Looking for someone other than you to plant these seeds? Unstoppable U Coaching helps kids ages 12and up with motivation, confidence and time management! >>> Click here to apply to work with my amazing team!β
#2: Have you listened to my Podcast for Kids? Come check out my latest episodes on Spotify and Apple Podcasts! I break down everything I wish I knew when I was a kidβ¦ perfect to throw on when youβre with youβre in the car or chilling at home! Leave a review if you donβt hate it!
#3: Follow me on Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn for more tips, tools and techniques to help your child succeed.